Future customer care (Rev: 1.0)

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Galaxy. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order..."

Operator: "Can I have your multi-purpose card number first, Sir ?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...889861356102049-998-45-54610."

Operator: "Okay... you are... Mr Jack Ng and you are calling from 43rd Floor, Super View Apartment, RedHill Road, ...your home number is 1234 5678, your office number is 2345 6789 and your mobile number is 01234567890. Which number are you calling from now, Sir ?"

Customer: "Home ! How did you get all my phone numbers ?"

Operator: "We are connected to the system, Sir."

Customer: "May I order your seafood pizza..."

Operator: "That is not a good idea, Sir."

Customer: "How come ?"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and also high cholesterol level, Sir."

Customer: "What ? What do you recommend then ?"

Operator: "Try our low fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You will like it."

Customer: "How do you know for sure ?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, Sir."

Customer: "Okay, I give up... Give me 3 family size ones. How much will that cost ?"

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is S$100.00."

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card ?"

Operator: "I am afraid that you have to pay by cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you still owe your bank S$10,800.50 since October last year. That does not include the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I think I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your delivery guy arrives..."

Operator: "You can't, Sir. Based on the records, you have reached your daily limit on ATM withdrawal today."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send me the pizzas. I will have the cash ready. How long is it going to take ?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes, Sir. If you can't wait, you can always come and collect it on your scooter..."

Customer: "What !"

Operator: "According to the details in the system, you own a Lambretta 1969 Vintage Scooter, registration number KPE 3456..."

Customer: "???"

Operator: "Is there anything else, Sir ?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottle of Coca Cola as advertised ?"

Operator: "We normally would, Sir. However, based on your records, you are also diabetic..."

Customer: "Ahh...#$$^%&$@$%^"

Operator: "Please mind your language, Sir. Remember on the 11th November 1986, you were convicted for using abusive language on a policeman who stopped you for speed driving along RedHill road. In fact, you were driving a 1973 Ambassador bearing registration number PIE 4267..."

Customer: [Fainted !!!]

Jokes_Hokkien (Rev: 1.4)

Hokkien phrases on "7 habits for successful people"

Steven Covey's famous "7 habits for successful people" are nothing more than a free adaptation of very common Hokkien phrases. Hence, why pay thousands of dollars to attend talks when your grand-parents, parents, spouses and even the auntie who sweeps the floor can give you the same kind of advice Free Of Charge every day ?

Habit No 1: Be Pro-Active
Kin Ka Kin Chiew (Fast leg, fast hand)

Habit No 2: Sharpen the Saw
Toh Bua Lai Lai (Make the knife sharp)

Habit No 3: Begin with the End In Mind
Ooh Tao Ooh Buay (Have head, have tail)

Habit No 4: First Things First
Chik Hung Chik Hung Lai - Ban Ban Lai
(One thing at a time, slow and steady); or
Cho Tow Seng (Do first; talk later)

Habit No 5: Think Win-Win
Long Chong Ai Yarh (Must win everything)
This is definitely not thinking win-win. This is a zero sum game. Win everything!

Habit No 6: Seek To Understand Rather Than To Be Understood
Cho Lang Ai Eh Beng Pek (You must be understanding)

Habit No 7: Synergize
Tai Kay Ai Hup Chop (All must cooperate)

---

2 cows and the new economy

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and bought a baby bull, nurse it and feed it well;
They mate, your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You invest & keep the gains into the country reserve.
You sell them and everyone retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You mortgage both of them to the bank & obtain investment for two more cows.
Then, re-mortgage the investment the four cows for eight cows and continue to do likewise.
The financial market was flooding with mortgages & investments in cow's assets.
No one knows where & who owned the original 2 cows ?
Then, these 2 original cows grew old & eventually died.
You are surprised when there is no asset to back up the mortgage or repay the loan ?
Finally, you ask the govt to bail out the collapse financial cow's market !

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
Then you create clever cow cartoon images called "Cowkimon" and market them world wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40 years contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then, midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided that you can keep the milk. They search for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

And last but not least,

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu".

---

Guts

During the gulf war, the President of USA, Prime Ministers of UK and Singapore were traveling on a warship that was cruising near Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were. Their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.

The President of USA said, "let me show you what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said: "Jump into the sea and swim 3 times around this ship !". The Colonel replied: "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 times around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad !

After the successful 3 times around the ship, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam, Mr President !". The proud US President replied: "That is what I call guts !".

The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 times around this ship !". The General replied, "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 times around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like gila (lunatic).

After the successful 10 laps around the ship, the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen !". The proud UK Prime Minister replied: "That is what I call guts !"

The Prime Minister of Singapore 'tak boleh tahan'. He had to show that his soldiers have guts too. So, he called one of his Privates and said: "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 times around this ship !".

The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) is it ? I just bought my condo and a new Honda car. Now, you want me to jump into the sea and die ? If you want to 'hao lian' (show off), you jump into the sea yourself lah ! ()&*(#@%(&)_*"

The Singapore Prime Minister smiled and said: "Now, that is what I call guts !".

---

Hawker Stalls Grading

Hawker stalls in Singapore are required by the Ministry of Health (MOH) to put out their hygienic grading in front of their stalls. The grades are:
A - very, very clean and hygienic
B - clean and hygienic
C - average clean and hygienic
D - Poor

However, some people cannot understand English properly and decide to come up with a simple version of the grades:

A - A sai (means can lah)
B - Buay Pai (means not bad lah)
C - Can na sai (means like shit)
D - Diarrhea (means lou sai)

---

Gu Ni (in Hokkien)

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks: "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'".

The crowd shouts, "gin ! gin !". Others exclaim: "No, grape juice !". Another smart guy yells: "Alamak, Gatorade !".

The host: "Quiet please".

Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying: "Do you think I need their help ? I got more original answer: Gu Ni (cow milk in hokkien) !"


Cow Pay Cow Boo (in Hokkien)

In an English class, the teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents ?"

Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher. It means father and mother"

Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example ?"

Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay (hokkien) & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo (hokkien) . So, together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (nagging in hokkien)".

The teacher fainted.

---

Li Ai Lim Si Mi (In Hokkien)

A lady went to a coffee shop with her friends for a drink. One peculiar habit of her friend is that she doesn't drink any beverage with milk. She approached the counter and the uncle there asked her in Hokkien: "Li Ai Lim Si Mi ?" (What do you want to drink ?)

Not knowing that "teh-o" means tea without milk, her friend said rather slowly, "TEH MAI LO GU NI " (tea, don't put milk).

Well, she got 3 types of drinks: "Teh" (Tea), "Milo" and "Gu Ni" (Milk). The worst thing was all these 3 types of beverages contain milk.


Holland Road

A tourist comes to Singapore and boards a bus. He asks the bus driver to inform him when the bus has reached Holland Road. After a while, the passenger heard the driver yelling: "Hollan Lok ! Hollan Lok !". Thinking the bus has reached his destination point, he alights the bus. However, to his surprise, he saw a road sign stating the name of another road.

Actually, the bus driver said in Hokkien to the passengers in the crowded bus: "Let people go down, let people go down !"


Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti (In Hokkien)

Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).

The DJ told them that they only have English songs and asked them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked up a big fuss, claiming that the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, the manager managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually asking for a song calls "Unchained Melody" (by the Righteous Brothers).

---

Miss Singapore

It is the final round of the Miss Universe contest and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss UK and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

Judge: "The first question is, name an electrical appliance starting with 'L'."

Miss USA: "Lamp."
Miss UK: "Light bulb."
Miss Singapore: "LADIO !"

Judge: "No, no, radio does not start with the letter 'L'. I am going to give you 2 more chances. The next question is, name an animal starting with the letter 'L'."

Miss USA: "Lion."
Miss UK: "Leopard."
Miss Singapore: "LABBIT !"

Judge: "No, rabbit does not start with the letter 'L'. I am going to give you one last chance. If you answer this question incorrectly, you will be disqualified. Name a fruit starting with the letter 'L'."

Miss USA: "Lemon."
Miss UK: "Lime."
Miss Singapore, with full confidence, smiles and says: "Liew Lian !" (Durian)

This is not the end of the story. The judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified. Finally, they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: "Okay. The final question is, name a fruit starting with the letter 'A'."

Miss USA: "Apple." (applause)
Miss UK: "Avocado" (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: "ANG-MO-TAN !" (Rambutan)

Jokes_Chinese (Rev: 1.1)

有趣的分手信

男生提分手
Dear:

想向你辭去情人的職務，任職一年多來，在崗位上我努力學習，克盡職守，對你噓寒問暖，小心翼翼，揣測你的需要，滿足你各方面需求。在感情提供你慰藉，讓你有被愛的感覺；
在行動上，等待、接送、陪伴、更只是基本工作。雖不經手財務，卻要負起所有買單重責；
三不五時還要送禮討你歡心。一個稱職的情人要溫柔體貼，還要心胸寬闊。

聽你提及對別的男人的大方及讚賞，不可以醋勁大發。剛任職之時不知如何拿捏，犯了幾次錯誤竟敢與你鬧情緒。 幾度你想把我開除，後來在我保證不再犯的前提下，你勉強再給我觀察期。 這些時日以來，幾經思索，感謝你給我這次機會。

但我確實不適任此職位，想向你申請調回朋友部門。看你對那部門同仁有說有笑，三不五時還會請他們小聚一番，有點羨慕他們：

上班時間彈性，不用隨call隨到，不用接送，
不用買單，不用送禮，不用面對你冷漠一面，

可看到你陽光似的笑容，聽到你幽默言談。
而我雖佔了情人的缺，除了責任加重卻沒任何特殊待遇；

沒有甜言蜜語，沒有多一點關心，沒有禮物，沒有...

決定辭去這職務，至於你是否願讓我調部門，

一切尊重你的裁決...

一個盡心盡力的員工敬上


女生的回覆
Dear:

關於您轉調部門的提議，經過董事家長會開會討論，以下決議事項向您說明:

因您當初面試時的職務為情人，標準與要求一開始就跟朋友不同，雖然試用期間你的表現不好差點被開除，但念在你苦苦哀求且信誓旦旦的說明你可以改進與昇任，才予以留任。情人屬於正職工作，與兼職的朋友部門不同，當然責任與工作相對也比較多，但是薪資及福利保證優於朋友部門，情人有按摩、親親、抱抱及陪同參予家庭聚會與煮宵夜的紅利與福利，
還有很好的升遷管道，可以升為老公、爸爸、阿公...等，這些絕對都是朋友部門所沒有的。

最後，因目前朋友部門沒有職缺，情人又是重要職務，因此在未尋獲新人或職務代理人並完成交接前，先將您轉調到備胎部門，這個部門的人員不需要每天面對老闆，應該可以暫時讓您的責任跟壓力不那麼大。

等情人職務有人可以交接時，可再將您轉調到地下情人部門，當然若屆時朋友部門有缺也可轉調到朋友部門，或是您要離職也可以，當然自動離職是沒有遣散費的。謝謝您一年多來的努力...

董事會成員代表敬上

---

男人要有肉

鼻头要有肉，鼻头有肉的男人既有欲也有财，衣食无忧；

嘴唇要有肉，厚嘴唇的男人为人厚道，薄嘴唇的男人通常都很薄幸；

下巴要有肉，下巴有肉，除了可以让你捏他下巴之外，他的晚年也会过得不错，可以照顾你；

耳朵要有肉，耳大肥厚，是长寿的征相，他长寿，就可以和你厮守终身，最幸福的就是可以比你爱的人先死，他那么长寿你的愿望不难达成；

脸颊要有肉，双颊凹陷的男人不是太可怕吗？

肩膀要有肉，可以让你舒舒服服的把下巴搁上去；

背部要有肉，可以随时背你；

胸前要有肉，可以挨得住女人几拳；

手掌要有肉，手掌肥厚的男人会很富有，不用女人养他；

双腿要有肉，两条枯树枝一样的腿太没有安全感；

最重要的是屁股要有肉，屁股大而有肉的男人最顾家，小屁股的男人多半靠不住；

他那颗心，当然也要是肉造的，只有这样，他的心才容易被你打动；

那么...

结论：找头猪准没错 !

---

新職員上班後與老板的對話

老板：萬分歡迎，沒有你我們的公司肯定大不一樣 ！

職員：如果工作太累，搞不好我會辭職的.

老板：放心，我不會讓這樣的事情發生的 ！

職員：我雙休日可以休息嗎 ？

老板：當然了 ！這是底線 ！

職員：平時會天天加班到凌晨嗎 ？

老板：不可能，誰告訴你的 ？

職員：有餐費補貼嗎 ？

老板：還用說嗎，絕對比同行都高 ！

職員：有沒有工作猝死的風險 ？

老板：不會 ！你怎麼會有這種念頭 ？

職員：公司會定期組織旅遊嗎 ？

老板：這是我們的明文規定 ！

職員：那我需要準時上班嗎 ？

老板：不，看情況吧.

職員：工資呢？會準時發嗎 ？

老板：一向如此 ！

職員：事情全是新員工做嗎 ？

老板：怎麼可能，你上頭還有很多資深同事 ！

職員：如果領導職位有空缺，我可以參與競爭嗎 ？

老板：毫無疑問，這是我們公司賴以生存的機制 ！

職員：你不會是在騙我吧 ？


等到職員進入公司後, 真實的一幕卻是...

請從下往上閱讀.

Technical support request (Rev: 1.0)

Dear Technical Support,

Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all the other system activities. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but the uninstall does not work on Wife 1.0.

Please help. Thank you.

- Bewildered


Dear Bewildered,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING !
Do not try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be a disaster. Doing so may destroy your hardisk drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Please look in your manual under the "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support". Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually, Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs. This can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similiar products such as Flirt 1.0 and oneNightStand 1.0. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to enter the command "apologize" as soon as lockup occurs so that the system will return back to normal.

System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPF. Wife 1.0 is a great program and it comes with several supporting programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful on how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING !
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

- Technical Support

Virgin (Rev: 1.0)

It is your first time. As you lie back with your muscles tighten, you put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it is the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he is gentle like he promised he did be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he has done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you with concerned and asks you if it is too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.


Hey, what are you thinking ?

Abbreviation (Rev: 1.1)

SENTOSA
Spend Expensively, Nothing TO See Actually


FAMILY
Father And Mother, I Love You


The word HELLO means:
How are you ?
Everything all right ?
Like to hear from you
Love to see you soon !
Obviously, I miss you...


Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND ?
Housing
Understanding
Sharing
Buying
And
Never
Demanding


Why does a man wants to have a WIFE ?
Washing
Ironing
Food
Entertainment

Save electricity tips (Rev: 1.0)

Air-con
Set air-con temperature to 25 degree celsius. If a room has switched on the air-con, gather everybody inside there. Avoid switching on individual room air-con. Use fan instead of air-con because fan consumes less electricity energy than air-con.


Bulb
Change all bulbs to energy-saving bulbs. Switch off the bulb when not in use. Switch on 1 bulb only unless you need to read something.


Clothing
Buy those clothing that need not iron.


Cloth-drying machine (干洗机)
Stop using the cloth-drying machine. Dry washed clothing under the sun.


Hair dryer
Avoid bathing at night and washing your head so that you need not have to dry your hair using the hair dryer.


Refrigerator
If you have more than 1 refrigerators, change to a bigger size refrigerator. Clear unnecessary things inside the refrigerator so that it does not need to use more electricity energy to maintain the temperature.


Television
Switch on the television only when need. Switch off the television when not watching. When watching CD/DVD drama show, gather those interested to watch together at the same time.


Washing machine
Gather all the clothing and wash together once per day. Avoid individual washing of clothing a few times per day.


Water-heater
Bath early so that you don't have to switch on the water heater.


Miscellaneous

• Switch off the power supply switch when not in use. Leave the switch on will set your equipment in standby mode and will still consumes small amount of electricity energy.